Your Past. Should we get back in touch?..
Nah, I don't think so. Or maybe it's just me. It never worked for me. School friends, university friends, friends from my childhood, from other countries... I don't know how to stay in touch. And not for lack of trying.
I'd like to say I envy people who have childhood friends, or friends they don't talk to often, but when they meet it's like no time has passed, but I simply don't care enough to really envy. Yeah, the idea is nice, I get that in my head, but I guess I'm just so used to being alone, friendship seems like a chore. And my experience... Oh my, even thinking about this, it sounds like I'm blaming everyone, or trying to trash myself, but honestly, I had some poopy experience.
About a year ago I contacted two girls I used to hang out with at school. They answered my messages, which was nice, they didn't ignore me. They were both quite reserved, understandable, it's been like, what, 6, 7 years? They both asked me the same questions, as in, the same stuff that interested them all those years back - what I'd "achieved" (because I wasn't a good student) and whether I was dating someone. And these were not asked out of genuine interest, more so to make them feel better about themselves (and here you may think that I'm making stuff up, and how can I possibly know that, but believe me, I do). When I asked these questions back, I got one smug answer that yeah, she got a better job, now getting a master's degree for this job (from the one that was obsessed about achievements), and a very evasive answer about a relationship status, like I wasn't actually good enough to know (from the other that was always obsessed with boys and dating). Okay...
We'd made plans to meet, but I got very ill (now I think that was a blessing in disguise), and I sent them a message apologizing, explaining that I had a fever, bla-bla-bla... Never heard from them back. Not a polite question about my health, not an answer when I asked how the meeting had been.
The fact that I remember this, and write about it shows that I care more than I let on, I guess. Because I often think that's probably my fault, and I feel guilty saying it's them... But I've tried!
I also had these people from my past who tried to teach me when we got back in touch. One girl we were friends with in Israel was telling me how I should behave with my boyfriend at the time (she didn't know him, and it's been years); and another guy gave me a whole lecture on how I should use Russian and not "try to be cool by inserting English words in a conversation" when I said "experience" (the guy is an interpreter, and we don't really have the word with the exact same meaning in Russian).
"Friends" from university unfriended or ignored me when I wrote them. Lol, reading this post I think I know why. No, I swear I'm not that annoying in real life, I just spew all my bitter thought out here, because that's exactly what I made this blog for (and you, my dear reader, can stop reading at any moment if it gets too much, I won't be upset, I promise. Wouldn't want to waste your time).
So here I am, alone, sitting at my desk, typing, typing, like anybody really cares...
I shouldn't worry about this. About growing apart. People change, and they don't fit anymore. Or maybe they don't change, and it's not what I'm about anymore. In any case, I wouldn't want to hang out with people who don't want to hang out with me. At least I know that I don't ignore them, and I always reach out and try. Yeah, self-respect and peace of mind, should be my forever mantra.
I'd like to say I envy people who have childhood friends, or friends they don't talk to often, but when they meet it's like no time has passed, but I simply don't care enough to really envy. Yeah, the idea is nice, I get that in my head, but I guess I'm just so used to being alone, friendship seems like a chore. And my experience... Oh my, even thinking about this, it sounds like I'm blaming everyone, or trying to trash myself, but honestly, I had some poopy experience.
About a year ago I contacted two girls I used to hang out with at school. They answered my messages, which was nice, they didn't ignore me. They were both quite reserved, understandable, it's been like, what, 6, 7 years? They both asked me the same questions, as in, the same stuff that interested them all those years back - what I'd "achieved" (because I wasn't a good student) and whether I was dating someone. And these were not asked out of genuine interest, more so to make them feel better about themselves (and here you may think that I'm making stuff up, and how can I possibly know that, but believe me, I do). When I asked these questions back, I got one smug answer that yeah, she got a better job, now getting a master's degree for this job (from the one that was obsessed about achievements), and a very evasive answer about a relationship status, like I wasn't actually good enough to know (from the other that was always obsessed with boys and dating). Okay...
We'd made plans to meet, but I got very ill (now I think that was a blessing in disguise), and I sent them a message apologizing, explaining that I had a fever, bla-bla-bla... Never heard from them back. Not a polite question about my health, not an answer when I asked how the meeting had been.
The fact that I remember this, and write about it shows that I care more than I let on, I guess. Because I often think that's probably my fault, and I feel guilty saying it's them... But I've tried!
I also had these people from my past who tried to teach me when we got back in touch. One girl we were friends with in Israel was telling me how I should behave with my boyfriend at the time (she didn't know him, and it's been years); and another guy gave me a whole lecture on how I should use Russian and not "try to be cool by inserting English words in a conversation" when I said "experience" (the guy is an interpreter, and we don't really have the word with the exact same meaning in Russian).
"Friends" from university unfriended or ignored me when I wrote them. Lol, reading this post I think I know why. No, I swear I'm not that annoying in real life, I just spew all my bitter thought out here, because that's exactly what I made this blog for (and you, my dear reader, can stop reading at any moment if it gets too much, I won't be upset, I promise. Wouldn't want to waste your time).
So here I am, alone, sitting at my desk, typing, typing, like anybody really cares...
I shouldn't worry about this. About growing apart. People change, and they don't fit anymore. Or maybe they don't change, and it's not what I'm about anymore. In any case, I wouldn't want to hang out with people who don't want to hang out with me. At least I know that I don't ignore them, and I always reach out and try. Yeah, self-respect and peace of mind, should be my forever mantra.
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